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Admission essay excerpt

Growing up in a big family, I would always raise my voice just to be heard, to the point of being obnoxious.  I was competing for the attention of my mom and dad then, and it’s quite a challenge if you have five other siblings.  Because of my behavior, my parents thought that I have the makings of a good lawyer.  I was groomed to become one until I discovered that my real passion is not in the court room but on the field of athletics.  Growing up as a fat kid, I’ve been exposed to the difficulty of dealing with weight problems and health issues.  As I learned the value of fitness, I transformed myself into an athlete through weight training.  It was just a hobby for me at first, but as I was given a chance to help others, I knew so clearly where I should be.  At this point in time, I’m no longer standing in the cross road, because now I know too well that I want to be an elite trainer with the help of _______ program from ________.

Sample outline:

I.  Introduction

A.  Being groomed as a lawyer
B.  Realizing that becoming a lawyer does not seem proper
C.  Discovering passion for athletics
i.  transforming from a fat kid to a real athlete through weight training
ii.  hobby at first but became a passion
iii.  training  players and helping others
D.  Wanting to become an elite trainer
i.  knowing too well what I want
ii.  applying for ____program to realize my goals

II.  How I started training others

A.  Being an athlete
i.  college football career cut short because of injury but still persevered
ii.  was able to make 3 records in weight training (squat, power cleans, shuttle run), which are injury prone
B.  Training other players
i.  helping others reach new levels of fitness a source of hapiness and satisfaction
ii.  assisting the high school football team as defensive coach
C.  Coaching skills
i.  realizing how it makes more sense to be a coach than a lawyer
ii.  knack for training others
D.  Working as a trainer
i.   Being hired as a trainer at ______
ii.  working with newly hired trainers as a manager

III.  Realizing my dream and taking the opportunity

A.  Reasons for applying for _______ program
i.  to get certification as an elite trainer
ii.  to standardize personal training
iii.  to train elite athletes
iv.  to teach trainers how to be better

B.  What I value most that will figure in my success in the program
i.  perfection
ii.  determination
iii.  wanting to help others reach their full potential
iv.  strong work ethic